So for my foray into the world of blogging, I thought I'd start with a theme I've kept going personally for about 5 years. See, for reasons I can't quite explain, I keep a running list of the top 5 people I'd like to punch in the face. This list rarely changes, although there are roughly 7 or 8 people that rotate in and out of the top 5, depending on how visible each one happens to be to me at any given point in time. I dislike these people so intensely that I could go on and on and on about every one of them. So I'm going to give each one his own entry. My guess is that most people have a list of their own even if they haven't made it as official as I have. So agree or disagree, I hope that the 3 or 4 people that will read this (if I'm lucky) can at least identify with the theme, and maybe even chip in some thoughts.
#1 MMA Guy
First off, let me clarify something. Real MMA fighters are genuine badasses. I have, on occasion, found myself watching a match or two on Spike or Vs when I'm looking for sports to watch at 11:30 PM on a Tuesday - and the only other options are English Premier League soccer and a replay of last week's Nationwide Tour event. And although I think it's pretty much just bar-room brawling in surf shorts, MMA employs some incredible athletes who clearly keep themselves in very good shape. Now that I've got that disclaimer out of the way, let me explain something to the seemingly millions of D-bags out there with "Tapout" bumper stickers on their cars and man-shaped punching bags in their garages. You are not an ultimate fighter! You are not training to be an ultimate fighter. Just because you signed up for a Brazillian Jujitsu class in the strip mall next to the Chinese takeout place doesn't mean you are ready to jump into the octagon with some other loser who did the same.
Now I know what you're thinking, MMA guy. "But I shaved my head and grew a goatee. I got 4 tattoos - and one of them is a Chinese character on my neck. I bought a Ford F150 (or Chevy Silverado). I went to Dick's Sporting Goods and purchased a heavy bag, 3 jump ropes, and those gloves without the fingers. I never miss a pay-per-view event. I routinely challenge people to fight when they cut me off or honk at me in traffic." Yeah, yeah, I know buddy. And we're all veeery impressed. So much so, in fact, that we're willing to forget that, before MMA became so mainstream, you were formerly known as either "Softball Guy" or "Drives a Suped-up Honda Civic Guy". Look, we didn't buy your act then and we don't buy it now.
It just drives me absolutely insane. You can't swing a right hook in a Jamba Juice anymore without hitting some guy who thinks he's an ultimate fighter. (Bonus points if you just figured out that I'm a southpaw - dork.) I work in a corporate office full of cubicles. Nearly every man in my office has long since traded in his weight bench for a laptop. The last fight any of us was in probably involved an argument over who was hotter out of Kathy Ireland and Cindy Crawford. So I laugh derisively every time I pass an SUV with a "Tapout" sticker in the back window during my long journey to the back of my office parking lot. Sometimes I stick around for a few extra minutes in hopes of seeing which of my fellow desk jockeys feels the need to give this single word of caution to all would-be tailgaters. Then when this fearsome purveyor of pugilism shows up, I invariably run for my life and avoid eye contact at all costs.
Next week - #2 Matthew McConaughey